Part Two

“Eat Life like you're starving. 
You may feel full at the end of the day, 
but damn, it tasted good.” 
antonio pedro ruiz

I remember the moment I touched down at LAX
     Los Angeles Airport 
like it was yesterday

Forty-two years ago June 26 1984

The emotions I felt

     Loss
     Anger
     Depression
Dazed    Confused

I had finally escaped four of the worst years of my life (& that’s saying something). Another opportunity to get it right, put those four years behind me. Take some of the lessons learned from the first 35 years & soak them, believing in living California Dreaming' California Dreaming' Dreams.

Arrival

one huge suitcase
     full of my life
a backpack
     at a minute past midnight
A convertible sports car
     the top down

Rushing

to an apartment in Inglewood

     the city lights

the freeway motion

the sky clear
     the summer night air 

blowing away

     the past
soaked in the 
     optimism 
of California Dreams.

I had bought the whole La La Land myth. The Pacific Ocean, swaying palm trees, the beaches, the waves, the music, Hollywood, 

The freeways were just there waiting for me to finally arrive, so they could roll out the red carpet. 

Paparazzi standing at attention, ready to shoot my pictures into the stars 
& shout Lights, Camera, Action 
into my ears
for my Hollywood fame

California Lesson Number One

Nothing is as simple as it seems.

As I said in the Part One of this essay, Old(er): An Epic Journey

wherever you go, there you are

All those ghosts haunting me 
     from my past 
hitched a ride on the plane landing 
     that June night forty-two years ago
They followed me through those first months 
     As I struggled through 
a West Coast culture unlike
     East Coast culture 
NY vs Wash D.C. 
     Streets vs Freeways 
Clouds vs Sunny

Everything here was

     miles upon miles
     freeways 
     upon
     freeways

rush hours with

     no beginnings 
     &no ends

cities where

    borders blurred

before GPS & smartphones

    The Thomas Guide

The salvation from getting marooned

    Living an 
    expanded life

California Lesson Number Two

There is no time for depression 
     when you have a life to rebuild

       Get up off your ass 
       & do something

Learn to ride a motorcycle
     become a messenger
sounded like an excellent first step

But whatever you do

Ride

     Forward

Be a Airport Shuttle driver

Lean your way thru the megalopolis

Be a bartender

Meet people

(a lesson for bar owners: don’t hire an alcoholic & drug addict)

Then, I met a guy who knew a guy
     & just like that

I worked in Hollywood for twenty-plus years, the Fantasy jobs of a lifetime. Celebrities, Real Stars, Travel the World, Lights, Camera. More action than anyone could wish for. Expense-account spending, corporate card holding, wine flowing, tequila rocking, beer guzzling, drug life. Don't give a shit, Coke, flying, pot smoking, lie-trashing, life's darkness, classless, high & into Hell.

Then
pressure & stress
     pushed me into relapse 
&
     down the rabbit hole

& 
finally
     squashed me like a bug 
under the full weight 
     of addiction 
&
     alcoholism

California Lesson Number Three

You either stay squashed
     
     Or

You scoop yourself up, pull yourself together. Accept that you’re getting too old for self-abuse, and start all over again. Except this time it’s not all over again, because you’ve been down this road enough to already have a blueprint. A life partner who still believes in you. When duties and responsibilities need your attention and there's a life worth saving. 

9/11/26. We will celebrate 15 years of sobriety and life.

During these fifteen years
     I’ve resurrected myself 
from the living dead 
     to return to college
graduate with honors at 75

& set myself on a path to self-redemption 

It has not been easy

There are no greater expectations than being able to wake up every morning, breathe life into my body, & push myself through a day triumphantly. Life without alcohol & drugs. 

One day at a time.

Final California Lesson

There are too many lessons
They were important lessons about 
     doing what you must do 
to pay the rent
     to eat
& 
     clothe yourself

There’s no time for ego

No one cares who 
&
What you were 

On another coast
     in another time

You are here now, & what you do here 
     & now is the only thing that matters

Don’t be surprised by what you can accomplish 
     When you believe your choices are clear 

Live or Die

Yeah, I’ll choose to live every time now
     It’s way too much fun.