This is part two of a two-part poetic memoir on Living Old(er). Learning Lessons. Part one can be found HERE.

“Eat Life like you're starving. 
You may feel full at the end of the day, 
but damn, it tasted good.” 
antonio pedro ruiz

I remember the moment I touched down at LAX
     Los Angeles Airport 
like it was yesterday

Forty-two years ago June 26 1984

The emotions I felt

     Loss
     Anger
     Depression
Dazed    Confused

I had finally escaped four of the worst years of my life (& that’s saying something) Another opportunity to get it right put those four years behind me Take some of the lessons learned from the first 35 years & soak them Believing in living California Dreamin’ California Dreamin’ Dreams

Arrival

one huge suitcase
     Full of my life
a backpack
     at a minute past midnight

A convertible sports car
     the top down

Rushing

to an apartment in Inglewood

the city lights

the freeway motion

the sky clear
     the summer night air 

blowing away

     the past
soaked in the 
     optimism 
of California Dreams

I had bought the La La Land myth The Pacific Ocean swaying palm trees the beaches the waves the music Hollywood the freeways were just there waiting for me to finally arrive so they could roll out the red carpet Paparazzi standing at attention ready to shoot our pictures into the stars & Lights Camera Action in our ears & for my Hollywood fame & likes & hell

California Lesson Number One

Nothing is as simple as it seems

As I said in my first article Living Old(er). Learning Lessons.

wherever you go there you are

All those ghosts haunting me 
     from my past 
hitched a ride on the plane landing 
     that June night forty-two years ago

They followed me through those first months 
     as I struggled through 
a West Coast culture unlike
     East Coast culture 
NY vs Wash D.C. 
     Streets vs Freeways 
Clouds vs Sunny

Everything here was

     miles upon miles

     freeways upon freeways

rush hours with

no beginnings & no ends

cities where

borders blurred

before GPS & smartphones

The Thomas Guide

The salvation from getting marooned

Living an expanded life

California Lesson Number Two

There is no time for depression 
     when you have a life to rebuild

Get up off your ass & do something

Learn to ride a motorcycle
     become a messenger
sounded like an excellent first step

But whatever you do

Ride

Be a Airport Shuttle driver

Lean your way thru the megalopolis

(a lesson for bar owners: don’t hire an alcoholic & drug addict)

I met a guy who knew a guy
     & just like that

I was working in Hollywood twenty-plus years the Fantasy jobs of a lifetime Celebrities Real Stars Travel the World Lights Camera More action than anyone could wish for Expense Account Corporate card Wine Flowing Tequila Rocking Beer guzzling drug life Don’t give a shit Coke Flying Pot smoking Lie trashing Life darkness Classless High & into Hell

Then
pressure & stress
     pushed me into relapse 
&
     down the rabbit hole

& finally
     squashed me like a bug 
under the full weight 
     of addiction 
&
     alcoholism

California Lesson Number Three

You either stay squashed
     
     Or

You scoop yourself up pull yourself together Accept that you’re getting too old for self-abuse & start all over again Except this time it’s not all over again because you’ve been down this road enough times you already have a blueprint A life partner who still believes in you When duties & responsibilities need your attention & there’s a life worth saving 9/11/26

We will celebrate 15 years sobriety & Life

During these fifteen years
     I’ve resurrected myself 
from the living dead 
     to return to college
graduate with honors at 75

& set myself on a path to self-redemption 

It has not been easy

There are no greater expectations than just being able to wake up every morning breathe in life through my body & push myself into & through a day triumphantly Life without alcohol & drugs & Death One day at a time

Final California Lesson

There are too many lessons

They were important lessons about 
     doing what you must do 
to pay the rent
     to eat
& 
     clothe yourself

There’s no time for ego

No one cares who 
&
what you were 

On another coast
     in another time

You are here now & what you do here 
     & now is the only thing that matters

Don’t be surprised by what you can accomplish 
     when you believe your choices are clear 

Live or Die

Yeah, I’ll choose to live every time now
     It’s so much more fun.