My name is Antonio Ruiz, and I am a DoomScroller. 

There, I said it. 

“Doomscrolling (or doom scrolling) is the compulsive habit of continuously scrolling through social media or news feeds to consume negative, distressing, or alarming content.” Nuffield Health

From sunrise to sunset (until I fall asleep later that evening), I use every opportunity to browse videos on Facebook and YouTube. 

In the bathroom, walking across the street (a couple of close calls), waiting in the checkout line at Trader Joe’s, and while I’m cooking dinner – come on, man, while I’m cooking dinner!!!

Now, it all began innocently enough. 

I was interested in movie trailers at first, then cute cat and dog videos, babies with dogs and cats, dogs playing with wild deer, cats playing with wild foxes, and harmless videos. 

But no, I started looking for the rough stuff. 

Well, the rough stuff caught up with me.

I’ll tell you what really hooked me. 

A few years ago, I became captivated by a trial in Waukesha, Wisconsin, that had already been underway for nearly a year. 

This trial had everything: drama, comedy, clowns, idiots, police, judges, prosecutors, victims, murder, tragedy, and a defendant with severe problems with women in authority. 

"On November 21, 2021, Darrell E. Brooks Jr. drove a sport utility vehicle (SUV) through the annual Christmas parade in Waukesha, Wisconsin, United States, killing six people and injuring sixty-two others. 

On October 26, 2022, a jury found Brooks guilty on all seventy-six charges. On November 16, 2022, he was sentenced to six consecutive life sentences without the possibility of parole, plus an additional 762.5 years, to be served consecutively."

I can’t even count how many times a day I searched for podcasts commenting on the trial.

There were dozens I’ve come across, each with its own take on Brooks’ antics in this universe and every other, and they were all crazy (yes, I know that word is not woke, but it is what it is). 

As a result of that trial, I’m now finding myself looking for more trials; the more brutal, the better.

OMG, this is sick.

I love the crazy human-interaction stuff. The teenage girls fighting over a boy or the teenage boys fighting over a girl. 

Adults fighting over the dumbest reasons in airport terminals, on planes, in supermarkets, subways, and buses, on their lawns, at baseball and football games, in banks, at the post office, anywhere people congregate. 

The innocent fender bender, which wasn’t worth the time to file a claim; the selfish person parking in an accessible parking space; and being confronted by a disabled person, resulting in a shouting match. 

If I was lucky, the narcissistic person would shove the disabled person. 

You might say, “Well, you don’t have to watch it. You can turn it off.”

Traffic stops gone wrong are my favorites. Why just turn over your license, registration, and proof of insurance when you can launch into a raving-maniac, no-prisoners reaction and end up being arrested as a prisoner? 

The thrills. The vicarious throbbing in my neck. My heart pumping blood through my veins, right into stroke territory (wait, is that how I suffered my stroke?). If they get tased and cry for their mommy, even better.

Now, that’s sick.

Easy for you to say.

I suddenly found myself, at my age, looking for that tiny thrill, especially since I do not do drugs or drink alcohol anymore. 

A fix is a fix in a quiet, older life.

You can’t just turn off the need, the thirst for excitement, in one’s life.

You need to feel that adrenaline sparking through your nerves, brain, and heart.

Remember, I’ve lived a fascinating life since I was thirteen. To suddenly find myself doodling or whistling into the air for no good reason, searching for something to happen that will give me an extra jolt of excitement… well, I’m sorry to admit that videos are the rush I’m looking for these days.

I still look out for those cute animal videos, but now I prefer nature videos where the lion beats up the hyena (they hate each other) or where the Killer Whales break through Arctic ice to grab a chunk of a seal for a little afternoon snack. 

And don’t forget the ones where visitors to national parks discover what it means to interact with wild buffaloes and get their asses spiked for getting too close. Mark one for the buffalo.

But these are mild compared to what shows up on my Facebook and YouTube feeds these days: traffic stops that end in shootouts, screaming teenagers rampaging through luxury stores and getting into serious fights with store workers (and store workers sometimes winning), the famous fight at a Waffle House that turned into a full-scale melee with people throwing chairs and coffee at each other… It’s a war out here. 

I can’t get enough of humans kicking each other’s asses. 

And don’t forget ICE agents confronting politicians in a courthouse. Better yet, they’re taking the law into their own hands and shooting American citizens dead in cold blood. 

If we’re lucky, we get the whole thing on video.

Who needs fictional TV shows and movies? There’s a better show on my iPhone and MacBook, and I don’t have to pay anything.

Reality Shows have nothing on the reality of reality.

But when I get depressed and try to find an alternative, something to take my eyes off my iPhone and MacBook, I think, let’s just turn on CNN or MSNBC in search of something less traumatizing.

Yeah, that isn’t going to work.

Wars where you have a front-row seat to brutality; the dysfunctional government in Washington, D.C., where the clown cars have gone way off the rails; more of the same violence I already see on my iPhone and MacBook, except it’s in longer chunks and maybe masked so you don’t see all the blood (have to leave something to the imagination); and they call all this News?

If it bleeds, it leads.

So, what is a DoomScroller to do? 

I don’t know. 
I’m mesmerized by all this whacko behavior. I can’t help it.

Please help me. 

And don’t tell me to turn off my iPhone or my MacBook. 

You might as well tell me to stop breathing.